Know Thyself?

How do we know when we're being cynical nay-sayers that can never be happy, or if we truly want something more for our lives? How do you know that? My dad says..."Go sit under a tree and meditate...you have all the answers you seek...maybe you just don't like them". But I don't think it's that simple, and I have been known to drive myself right into the ground with my indecision.

I am indecisive...I know it...and I own it. What I don't own are decisions. I don't ever want to make the wrong choice so I make no choice. I want so many different things that it's impossible to make choices. Geez, that's got to be just as bad as making the wrong choice...right?! What's my point here...well...I guess my point is that it's never been in my nature to be content so I always find things that are missing or lacking in my life...it could be with friends, lovers, jobs, the water, the fact that I don't have a sexy waiter to obsess over, the fact that I'm not living overseas, blah...blah...blah. But here is the essential question:

Should I be content with what I have or is there something better out there for me? Some other person or some other purpose...is there another, happier life that I could...or more importantly...should be living.

I think some of the answers are obvious. I know that I'm not doing work that I find fulfilling or creative, or really helpful to anyone. So it's really actually quite clear that I should make more strides to find a more fulfilling job.

But what about the more ambiguous points of love and passion, wanting to be domestic but desiring desire. They don't really go together do they? Being domestic does not lend itself to an impassioned romance or the foreign fling. It doesn't really include endless flights that lead to exotic places and experiences. But I want that and feel I should be able to have it. At times I think that for us Sags...it seems passion is only available to us in forms of the unattainable. We don't won't it unless we can't have it. Is this true? Would I really go and join the peace corps if I wasn't in a relationship? When I wasn't in a relationship...I didn't join the peace corps. Is it easier to pin our inhibitions on circumstance than ourselves? Is this the crux of it all?

It's not that the question is so bad...it's a legitimate question....it's the obsession with the question that ends in self-sabatoge. We must choose to be happy at some point. Maybe stretching is acknowledging that about ourselves and experimenting with contentment. Loving the people that love us...accepting love...accepting who we are...where we are...being emotionally soft and receptive...like an elephant and not so much a lioness all the time. Not always having to be so damn proud and not having to live every life that we've imagined for ourselves.

But still I find it all unsatisfactory...and I find that reasoning unsatisfactory....still I wonder about the other life...or lives...I could be living.

I imagine I have to find the answers deep inside me...but that requires stillness. Maybe if I spent as much time seeking stillness as I do wondering what the right choices are...I would be on the right path and decisions would come effortlessly.