Mom Alert!

Well, we're heading off to see my mom this weekend. To give you some background...my mom has lived in the same condo for over five years and I've never seen it. Now, some would say that's unforgivable...how can a daughter treat her own mother so bad! Shame on me! To that I would say: you don't know my mother. But nonetheless...we're taking the journey and she's already driving me crazy.
















The phone conversation...this morning....7:52 am.

Mom: So, are you excited.
Me: Yes Mom.
Mom: Are you sure, you don't sound excited.
Me: Mom, I'm excited, really. It's just that it's 7:52 in the morning.
Mom: So, will you call me to tell me if you get your flight (we're flying stand-by...and note...we've had this same conversation about 752 times!).
Me: Yes Mom...I told you already that I would.
Mom: Well, do you think you'll get on? You'll call me when you find out, right?
Me: (Thinking to myself...for God's sake woman...YES!!!) YES!!!!
Mom: Calm down...we're only talking. Anyways...I don't think I'm going to come pick you up.
Me: What are you talking about? You've been bothering me to come and visit for like a half of a century and now you won't come pick us up?
Mom: Okay...I'll come get you.

See now here...this is what I was talking about in UnderCURRENTS (see last entry)...she's just trying to piss me off...clearly!

underCURRENTS

Currents
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Under

Women are funny creatures. We have all sorts of ideas about what other people are doing and why they are doing it. And then the answer arrives: they (the people) just did what they did to piss us off! Clearly!

But seriously...men aren't like this. Men are hacked off or they're not. And when they're pissed, you know it...it's acknowledged and then it's over. It doesn't linger...you can't detect it's lingering scent...there are no smirk innuendos or subtle jabs.

Women on the other hand...holy bonkers...they can hold a grudge FOREVER! And they will. Not only that...they'll let you know it...they'll share their feelings in barely detectable, seemingly nice but actually seething tones. It's a mess. This is what me and T call "undercurrents". Trust me...they are intense.

I'm sensing some of those in our circle now and it's tough. Life is changing so dramatically for all of us. We've gone from a tribe of independent, single, fun-loving women, to a mixed bag of singles and spoken for's in less than a year. I'm telling you...this is no easy transition. It's like we've gone from Sex in the City fun to the never-ending lack of clarity Lost in no time. So we have all these hurt feeling between us and uncertainties, and still have to independently face our inner challenges and questions. So while my best friend is frustrated with me for being inconsiderate and rudely affectionate in public...I'm questioning whether or not I am truly ready for marriage and domesticity.

I don't know...maybe this is a part of life...and maybe I have to accept that transitions are hard and things dont' always go the way you want them. But still I wish that I could hold on to the camaraderie and love and support that we all had for each other just a short time ago. My girlfriends have been the heart of my world for so long and I don't want to swim away from them. Not because I'm afraid to try my flippers but because I love them...I think collectively I love them more than I could ever love any man. They are irreplaceable.

Know Thyself?

How do we know when we're being cynical nay-sayers that can never be happy, or if we truly want something more for our lives? How do you know that? My dad says..."Go sit under a tree and meditate...you have all the answers you seek...maybe you just don't like them". But I don't think it's that simple, and I have been known to drive myself right into the ground with my indecision.

I am indecisive...I know it...and I own it. What I don't own are decisions. I don't ever want to make the wrong choice so I make no choice. I want so many different things that it's impossible to make choices. Geez, that's got to be just as bad as making the wrong choice...right?! What's my point here...well...I guess my point is that it's never been in my nature to be content so I always find things that are missing or lacking in my life...it could be with friends, lovers, jobs, the water, the fact that I don't have a sexy waiter to obsess over, the fact that I'm not living overseas, blah...blah...blah. But here is the essential question:

Should I be content with what I have or is there something better out there for me? Some other person or some other purpose...is there another, happier life that I could...or more importantly...should be living.

I think some of the answers are obvious. I know that I'm not doing work that I find fulfilling or creative, or really helpful to anyone. So it's really actually quite clear that I should make more strides to find a more fulfilling job.

But what about the more ambiguous points of love and passion, wanting to be domestic but desiring desire. They don't really go together do they? Being domestic does not lend itself to an impassioned romance or the foreign fling. It doesn't really include endless flights that lead to exotic places and experiences. But I want that and feel I should be able to have it. At times I think that for us Sags...it seems passion is only available to us in forms of the unattainable. We don't won't it unless we can't have it. Is this true? Would I really go and join the peace corps if I wasn't in a relationship? When I wasn't in a relationship...I didn't join the peace corps. Is it easier to pin our inhibitions on circumstance than ourselves? Is this the crux of it all?

It's not that the question is so bad...it's a legitimate question....it's the obsession with the question that ends in self-sabatoge. We must choose to be happy at some point. Maybe stretching is acknowledging that about ourselves and experimenting with contentment. Loving the people that love us...accepting love...accepting who we are...where we are...being emotionally soft and receptive...like an elephant and not so much a lioness all the time. Not always having to be so damn proud and not having to live every life that we've imagined for ourselves.

But still I find it all unsatisfactory...and I find that reasoning unsatisfactory....still I wonder about the other life...or lives...I could be living.

I imagine I have to find the answers deep inside me...but that requires stillness. Maybe if I spent as much time seeking stillness as I do wondering what the right choices are...I would be on the right path and decisions would come effortlessly.